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Emopedia
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Welcome to Emopedia,
37,249 heart-rending poems in English
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Today's Message of pain
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Loneliness is the dark despair of solitude.
It is the feeling that no one loves me.
Not even my mom or my cat really understand the pain of Teenaged Angst.
No one understands me.
No one loves me.
My family claims that they do, but we all know they're lying.
God, I hate them so much; the fakes.
The only people who love me, The only ones who understand or care
All live in my iPod...
Valentines Day. People are supposed to be happy, right?
I'm not.
Not since she left me.
I guess she found someone more screwed up than I am,
or perhaps he's just more Scene than I, or maybe it's his hair.
It was the best three days of my life, though, with her.
She was so much better than the girl last week.
I let her draw Xs and Cut Lines on my wrists in sharpie.
They're still there, mocking me, reflecting the darkness in my soul.
They are tempting me.
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Did you care...
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- ... that when a man with a .45 meets a man with a rifle, the man with a pistol will start giggling uncontrollably over the scene in Fistful of Dollars?
- ... about alliteration articulating an artistic approach aimed at annotating and arranging alphabetic accoutrements as alarmingly asinine alignments?
- ... that the oozy, off-colored mound of bloody what-ever-it-is stretching its way out of what used to be a tiny hole is a baby's head?
- ... the Rorschach inkblots all look kinda like my Aunt Gladys giving head to Satan?
- ... if a tree falls in the forest and no one's there to hear it, Bishop Berkeley will get into a fistfight with William of Ockham?
- ... the reason for 50% of modern marriages ending in divorce is because those people try to go to IKEA together for a relaxing afternoon?
- ... that oxygen is a highly addictive drug, with 100% of all users becoming addicted with their first hit?
- ... that no greater man hath subtriculated the monolith than the one who hath manifested odontological callioptery?
- ... that nihilists believe that life is like a box of chocolates?
- ... and that it is a Whitman Sampler that has been sitting on the shelf for too long?
- ... that virtual reality will soon allow you to read this in 3D?
- ... that I only slept with your wife as a prank?
- ... that Wright-Patterson Air Force Base is home to a heavily guarded repository of bad puns?
- ... that Anonymous has written over 4,323,904,528 poems and 23,900,241 short stories, among a million other kinds of written word?
- ... that St. Peter's Basilica is a large reptilian creature with breath of fire and a gaze that can turn people into stone?
- ... the great idea you had last week was already thought up by Elon Musk and will soon be realized on Mars?
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Recent deaths
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Today sucks because...
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June 1: International Steroids Appreciation Day
- 72 BCE – Moses takes steroids; parts the Red Sea.
- 1869 – Thomas Edison receives a patent for his electric voting machine and makes millions selling the machines to Florida Republicans.
- 1960 – New Zealand's first official television broadcast commences at 7:30 PM from Auckland. Ratings are low due to Kiwis not understanding how pictures and sounds can come from a box.
- 1964 – Barry Bonds is born.
- 1988 - Steve Urkel becomes the third president of Zimbabwe only to be overthrown by every person in Africa.
- 1989 - With the fall of the Berlin Wall the people of Germany rejoice only to later be killed by the future president of the United States Arnold Presidentator, when he begins filming his final film, Plan 9 from Mr. President.
- 1992 - This marks the start of the "Nukes Means Goals" campaign, when the Southport FC manager stores nuclear weapons in his team's changing room and threatens to detonate them if they lose.
- 1992 – Bud Selig brand steroids hit the shelves.
- 1998 – Chuck Norris announces to press: "I never took steroids"
- 1999 – Steroids announces to press: "I took Chuck Norris."
- 2010 – One out of every three baseball players is suspected of abusing steroids. The other two-thirds claim to use steroids responsibly.
- 2012 - Cyclist Lance Armstrong freely admits to using steroids, EPO and gratuitous Wheaties consumption, proving that steroids affect the brain.
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Today's featured artistry
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Poets of the Month
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Modusoperandi hunts down random, unfunny shit which he replaces with less-random, quasi-funny shit. Occasionally he gets up off his ass (or more correctly, sits down on it) and makes a page of his own, to which no one ever goes.
Recently he's been making pictures that people don't like and, having discovered UnNews, has been making fake news stories (rather than the fake regular stories that he normally makes).
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The Bard (baptised 26 April 1564 – died 23 April 1616) was an English poet and playwright widely regarded as the greatest writer of the English language, and the world's preeminent dramatist. He wrote approximately 38 plays and 154 sonnets, as well as a variety of other poems. Already a popular writer in his own lifetime, the Bard became increasingly celebrated after his death and his work adulated by numerous prominent cultural figures through the centuries.
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Congratulations to Hardwick Fundlebuggy, our Poet of the Year, and Mhaille, our Self-harmer of the Year!
Vote for Poet of the Month | Vote for Loner of the Month | Vote for Self-harmer of the Month | Past Losers
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| Uncyclopedia is an independent humor writing project, a non-profitable cabal that also hosts a range of other projects.
This Uncyclopedia, started in 2005, currently contains 37,249 articles. Uncyclopedias are being written in many languages:
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