UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Straight talk, from straight faces

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UnNews

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Sunday, June 2, 2024, 18:49:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To pander a beach ball, is to pander rudely
2. To pander a beach ball, is to pander rudely
3. To pander a beach ball, is to pander rudely
4. To pander a beach ball, is to pander rudely
5. To pander a beach ball, is to pander rudely
6. To pander a beach ball, is to pander rudely
7. To pander a beach ball, is to pander rudely
8. To pander a beach ball, is to pander rudely
9. To pander a beach ball, is to pander rudely
10. To pander a beach ball, is to pander rudely
11. To pander a beach ball, is to pander rudely
12. To pander a beach ball, is to pander rudely
13. To pander a beach ball, is to pander rudely
14. To pander a beach ball, is to pander rudely
15. To pander a beach ball, is to pander rudely
16. To pander a beach ball, is to pander rudely
17. To pander a beach ball, is to pander rudely
18. To pander a beach ball, is to pander rudely
19. To pander a beach ball, is to pander rudely
20. To pander a beach ball, is to pander rudely
21. To pander a beach ball, is to pander rudely
22. To pander a beach ball, is to pander rudely
23. To pander a beach ball, is to pander rudely
24. To pander a beach ball, is to pander rudely
25. To pander a beach ball, is to pander rudely
26. To pander a beach ball, is to pander rudely
27. To pander a beach ball, is to pander rudely
28. To pander a beach ball, is to pander rudely
29. To pander a beach ball, is to pander rudely
30. To pander a beach ball, is to pander rudely
31. To pander a beach ball, is to pander rudely
32. To pander a beach ball, is to pander rudely
33. To pander a beach ball, is to pander rudely
34. To pander a beach ball, is to pander rudely
35. To pander a beach ball, is to pander rudely
36. To pander a beach ball, is to pander rudely
37. To pander a beach ball, is to pander rudely
38. To pander a beach ball, is to pander rudely
39. To pander a beach ball, is to pander rudely
40. To pander a beach ball, is to pander rudely
41. To pander a beach ball, is to pander rudely
42. To pander a beach ball, is to pander {{adv})
43. Mel Gibson is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.